Dear Emilie

I'm sitting here tonight in a silent house. Both you and your Papa are sound asleep. The only sounds are the sound of the dishwasher and the air of the video monitor that is sitting beside me.

You are snuggled so cozy in your bed. You were so tired tonight. You refused to have a nap for your Papa while I was at work today even though you were up earlier than usual this morning and needed one. You were so excited to be going over to your Great Baba's house for a couple hours this afternoon while Papa and I were at work, that you just couldn't sleep.

I'm sitting here at the computer with tears in my eyes. There are so many feelings that I want to write down, to record for you, but my thoughts are just one huge jumble. I don't know which one to record first, and how to fully articulate others. I just don't know where to start.

I think about you, and all that you do now. You are so independent, and yet such a Mama's girl all at the same time. You are so outgoing and bubbly, and yet shy and introverted as well. You are so goofy and silly and yet so serious too. Everyday you surprise us with something new that you do or say. Sometimes it's like a 13 year old is talking to us and not a toddler.

You are so grown up now. You can get dressed all on your own, and love to choose your own clothes. You are potty trained during the day, and sleep in a big girl bed. Almost all the "baby" things have left this house. Instead you have your own babies. All of their names are Baby, you won't give them a name of their own. As sad as I am to see all the baby stuff leave the house I continue to be amazed by you and the amazing person you are becoming.

You love helping me with everything I do around the house, from cooking and the laundry, to vacuuming the carpet and making the beds. You are always right by my side wanting to help. Most of the time it means that particular job will then take even longer, but I love to see how excited you get to help me do something completely mundane like moving wet socks and towels from the washing machine to the dryer.

A lot of the time as I'm watching you I pray for a pause button. I've always said that I would never wish for a stop button, but I wish some days that I could slow time just a little bit. I wish I could stay in that moment for just a little bit longer with you. I've joked with people a lot lately that time has passed so quickly, that somehow I blinked and you went from this tiny little squish in my arms to this big girl.

Tonight when I put you to bed, I put to bed a two year old. Tomorrow when you wake up, probably a little too early for me, chanting "Maaaaama, Maaaaaama" from your bed you will be a three year old.

When I go up to sleep tonight I will slowly creep into your bedroom to check on your like I do every night. I will cover you up if you have kicked off your blankets, and just stare at you resisting the urge to pick you up. Which is ironic because just hours ago I was tip toeing down the stairs praying to God you would fall asleep quickly.

Sleep tight my little one. Who knows what new adventures life has in store for us tomorrow.

Love,

Mama

Loss

It has been a rough two years.

Just over two years ago my Memere passed. I think my mom best described her when she said that God broke the mold when he created her. She was one of the most loving, giving, warm people you would ever meet. Her greatest loves were her husband and her family. She didn't speak a lot of English, and unfortunately we never spoke a lot of French, but we found a way to communicate regardless. Even with the language barrier, we never doubted that she loved us, and we still loved her.

Andre and I with Memere and Pepere.

Just one year ago we had another loss. This time on my mothers side of the family. Our cousin Leslie passed suddenly while on vacation. We were all in shock when we got the news. Leslie was always the life of the party. You were always greeted with her infectious laughter and a warm hug. It's still hard to believe that she is no longer with us, even a year later.

Ron, Leslie with Kevin and Rose

Today we unfortunately had to say good bye to someone else. Another sudden death. Another loss that we're still struggling to understand. It's one of those situations when you just can't understand it because we just saw her. Two weeks ago she was just having tea and chatting with one of her friends. A week later, gone. Today we said good bye to my Step-Grandmother, Joan.

Let me start by saying I hate the term Step-Grandmother. I feel that when people asked who passed and I said the word "Step" that they almost stopped listening, or didn't care as much. People hear that word and for some there is a negative connotation. Instead of someone saying "I'm so sorry" They said "Oh", or worse yet, nothing.

Joan has been a part of my and my sisters lives as long as we can remember. We can't remember a time when she wasn't with my grandfather. There was a never a time when we can't remember her not being there. She was the type of person that when you went to visit her and my Poppy she was always up and about. She never sat down until everyone else had their food, and was taken care of. She was always taking care of everyone else, and her cat. She loved her cat.

Today her daughter Dorothy gave her Eulogy. I don't know how she managed to hold it together long enough but she did, and she did an amazing job. It was great listening to stories about when her children were younger, stories we had never heard before. She shared one story about when her and her brothers were just children. Joan had found an abandoned lab. She nursed him back to health and then posted that she had found a dog so the owner could claim him. No one did. They lived in a small apartment that didn't allow pets. So what did Joan do? She bought a house. It makes me smile whenever I think of that story because that was so her. She was always giving and thinking of others.

Today we said good bye to my Grandmother Joan. She was loved and she will be missed.

Joan when she met Emilie for the first time.